If life was like Facebook

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I’ve come to the conclusion that Facebook enjoys testing people’s comfort zones. Every time you get used to some new change they’ve introduced, they go and spring another one on you. And you can expect everyone to be complaining about it and threatening to leave Facebook. 

Of course they never actually do. You see, another thing I’ve realised is that resistance is futile - and that we get over the new changes so quickly, that it’s really not that big a deal.

So, when the latest drastic layout change started, I still tried to avoid it for as long as I possibly could. No matter how pretty my friends’ profiles looked with their pretty little cover photos, I was determined to ‘protest’ and stick with the old layout. 

 That is until the change was forced upon me. Which meant that either I had to accept it and move on, or leave Facebook.

 

So, of course – I got over it. Quickly. Timeline turned out to be kind of awesome. I ended up spending at least half an hour going back on my timeline and enjoying a trip down memory lane – all the way back to 2007 when I first joined Facebook and still updated my status in the third person like a noob!

Looking over the last few years of my life on Facebook and seeing how much I’ve grown up and changed – through my fat days and my fit days, my longer hair and my shorter, all my old favourite outfits that I miss – and I started wondering what it would be like to have a place where I could see a real timeline of my entire life. Imagine if you could go back and look at all the significant moments in your life, all the most important things you’ve said and done. There might be a few that make you cringe, a few that make you cry, but I think it would be pretty awesome.

I remember reading a quote once about how Facebook is like a jail – you sit around and waste time, write on walls and get poked by people you don’t know. Not the most tasteful quote ever, but take a second to think about it.

Of course, everyone would be in perfect relationships and their lives would be absolutely amazing.

And everyone would look drop-dead-gorgeous all the time. 

 

Although, once people get annoyed or upset about things – instead of writing about it in a diary or discussing it with close friends – they would just walk around screaming all their frustrations at everyone around them! Some people would constantly be letting you know what they're doing or thinking.

And on the same note, new parents would walk up to you in the street all the time and shove their babies in your face. We’d also have a lot more manic street preachers standing up on their soapboxes telling the world about all their crazy opinions and grievances.

Yes, all these little things that annoy most people on Facebook would be a whole lot more annoying in real life. But there are also a few cool things. You can just simply ‘unfriend’ someone at the click of a button and remove that person from your life. You can ‘hide’ some people on your newsfeed – kind of liking muting the voice of anyone that you’re tired of hearing from.

But if I could choose just one aspect of Facebook to have in real life – I would want my very own Timeline – a permanent record of my entire life that I could access at any time.

So, now that I’ve admitted my feelings for Timeline to the interwebs, how long do you think it will be before Facebook decides to make another radical format change?

                                                                JO WATSON PRODUCTIONS

Life is a soap opera – full of bubbles!

Every once in a while, when a little bit of drama manages to creep into my life without me noticing – it feels like my entire life has been dumped into the middle of a soap opera. 

It’s like I just wake up one morning – and I’ve been cast as the new neighbour in Days of our Lives. Or better yet, I’ve been cast as the poor little stranger, innocently wandering through town – and then I get adopted by the Brady family and thrown right into the middle of the latest Salem drama.I just hope I don't turn out like Sammy Brady!

Like sands through the hourglass...

So I walk out of my front door and feel like I need to be constantly looking over my shoulder – just waiting for the moment that my evil twin is going to jump out of nowhere and announce her existence – along with the fact that she’s the one who’s been wreaking so much havoc in my life.

It’s not long before I start wishing I could rather have been cast as the character that wakes up in the hospital with an unexplained case of amnesia. That way I wouldn’t have to remember or deal with any kind of drama.

Okay fine, so I’m totally exaggerating. But you understand what I’m getting at, right?  Sometimes there’s just so much drama in your life that you begin to feel like it’s not really your life anymore. Here’s what I do when that happens.

I watch an episode of Days, and when I realise that my life is actually pretty boring and ordinary – I feel a lot better. My life doesn’t have any crazy plots involving blackmail, amnesia, comas, impostors or people coming back from the dead – again and again – or any crazy, desperate baby-swapping women. Yet.

So, I might have a few soapsuds here and there – all lives do – but I won’t let my life be turned into a meaningless soap opera where the drama continues for months on end and takes up all my energy. I decide to avoid drama – it makes for a much happier and more peaceful life. Try it out. 

This is what a REAL soap opera looks like...

The one thing I regret about not turning my life into a real daytime soap? The fact that none of those people ever age – ever!

 

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Common Decency – are you still out there?

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Although I don’t like the idea of anything being common (especially as we say in Afrikaans – Kommen, met ‘n ‘k’) there are three things that should be – common sense, common honesty and common decency.

Of all three, common decency is the one that I feel every human being should just inherently have – except of course sociopaths, they may be excused from this tirade. I would never expect everyone to have common sense – some people really can’t help that one. And I understand that honesty isn’t always that simple. Common decency is the one that just really gets to me. 

I drive a lot of people in my life crazy every time I lament the loss of common decency, but I can’t help myself. When I see a shopping trolley abandoned in a parking spot – keeping someone from being able to park there – I can’t help but ask, “Would it really have been SO difficult just to return the trolley to the bay?” That was made even worse when we once got back to our car to see a trolley abandoned between two parking spots – and leaning against our car! And it LEFT A SCRATCH! Really?

‘Common decency’ seems to have become a kind of oxymoron, since it isn’t all that common anymore.

But wait!

Before I scare you off – don’t stop reading yet. Now that I’ve gotten my little rant out of the way, I’m not going to moan and groan and act all high and mighty about how there are no decent people left in the world. What would that accomplish? Instead I just want to take an objective perspective of what common decency actually is.

To me – it means doing what’s expected of any normal human being.

But that’s probably too broad a definition, since some people might still qualify as ‘normal’ human beings but don’t always act that way. So we should probably add in an element of consideration for other people – that’s probably the main thing.

Common decency isn’t simply about social conventions like covering your mouth when you sneeze – it’s about giving the people around you some thought. It’s about being considerate of other people, their possible situations, feelings and what they’re doing. It’s like the very worn-out saying that you should treat others the way you want to be treated (unless of course you’re a sado-masochist or something less-ordinary like that). Basically, common decency means having empathy.

I think the nicest way to explain it is this – it all comes down to looking at the world through different lenses and trying to see and understand perspectives other than our own. All it takes it putting yourself in someone else’s position and trying to understand them – and to care about how anything you do might affect them. That’s it.

There are very few things that can brighten up my day more than having other people treat me with common decency. Doesn’t it make your day a little bit brighter when a car gives you a gap on the highway? Or someone sees you coming down the aisle with your shopping trolley and they move out of the way for you?

George Orwell, who’s often referred to as the saint of common decency, figures common decency as a humanising force – I like that idea. So if we treated each other with more decency – would the world be a more decent place?

I guess we’ll never know – and for that, I shall lament.

Bottom line - just try a little bit harder not to be a selfish douche. I'll try too. 

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Housewives' guilty pleasures

Romance novels.

You know, those books you once saw hidden in your mom’s cupboard. With the cover featuring a muscular, longhaired Fabio-type with a redheaded Southern belle draped across his torso (or something like that) – And with titles like Forbidden Love or Secret Desires. 

Look at that six-pack!!

I think his hair is prettier than hers...

I recently decided to try and write one. It’s a sort of fun little project I’ve embarked on (And I hear they don’t pay too badly if your book gets published!) And luckily for me I have quite a strong background to rely on while I’m writing. I’ve read a great multitude of romance novels – in many different varieties. From strictly PG13 to steamy scenes, to historical Afrikaans romance novels: I’ve seen them all. And they all have the same formula. Although I have never ever pictured my hero looking anything like Fabio!

No Thanks!

Should I be ashamed of having read so many? I don’t know? There are many people who would say yes. Romance novels have been around for more than 100 years, and in that time a lot more than 100’s of people have denied reading them – including well-educated people and among them, even men! So I’d like to investigate the whole genre a bit deeper.

What does it take to be a romance novel? To be classified as a romance novel, a book’s plot has to revolve entirely around the development of a relationship between two people – and filled with the budding romantic love that they experience in the process, however explicit the writer chooses to make it. Oh – and they absolutely cannot, under any circumstances, have a sad ending. The end has to be optimistic and emotionally satisfying. Basically – they are set in a world of love, lust and romance to tell the reader that couples who fight for their love will be awarded with unconditional love and a happy ending.

But why the stigma?

Well, critics have claimed that romance novels are boring because they’re so predictable – everyone knows that the hero and the damsel will eventually resolve their issues and live happily ever after. And many people think that the quality of the writing is lower than in other genres. That’s why apparently only lonely housewives who have nothing better to do will sit around at home and read romance novels.

So why do people read them?

The answer is simple – escape and fantasy. Sometimes it’s nice to get away from the real world – where falling in love isn’t necessarily on the cards and happy endings aren’t guaranteed. So reading a book where two lovers fight the odds and survive all the struggles because they have love on their side is a great escape. Especially when you’re stressed out – escaping into a world of love and romance is a great comfort. Not to mention that the steamy scenes are fun to read!

Maybe romance novels are mindless and trashy. But sometimes it’s fun to just sit back and read a book that doesn’t take a lot of energy – laugh at how silly the characters are being and enjoying the happy ending.

It’s not about the hot and steamy sex (Well... maybe a little) – it’s about vicariously enjoying the thrill of falling in love. And you get to fall in love over and over again with every new book. 

Who doesn't love falling in love? And all that awkward sexual tension between the two lead characters that just makes you want to bash their heads together!

Misophonia – It’s a real condition, I swear! I’m not crazy!

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Tap, tap, tap, flick, flick, flick, chew, chew, chew, sniff, sniff, sniff, slurp, slurp, slurp…

WOULD YOU PLEASE STOP MAKING THAT NOISE!!!!!

Since I can remember I’ve gotten very, very (and I mean extremely) easily irritated by little noises that people make. It all started with my dad who used to sit and bite and break his fingernails off. (Gross, right? And also very much annoying while I’m trying to watch TV in the same room.)

But no – it wasn’t just a soft flicking noise lost in the background noise, followed by the occasional spit. It was a constant rhythm that came straight from the bowels of hell to invade my brain and prevent me from focussing on anything else. I became a volcano of irritable anger that would eventually explode and spew out all my emotion – that was the only way I would start feeling better. 

Of course, my dad thought I was crazy and that there was something wrong with me. I’m ‘over-sensitive’ and I need to get some help. I just thought I was the only one willing to admit to him how annoying he is – being so outspoken and all. From there it just got worse. Eventually any of these little noises that people make would irritate me.

I’ve always wondered why these seemingly insignificant noises have the power to take full control of my brain function and transform me into the Incredible Hulk for a few seconds. Am I just a seriously intolerant person with a bad temper? 

I’ve tried to block out the noises, really I have. If someone taps their foot, at first I’ll try and tap along to drown out the noise. I even tried blocking my ears. Nothing helped! I thought I could learn to just control it and stop freaking out, but that never worked out. And I’ve always carried around some guilt about my crazy reactions. That is, until I discovered that I’m not crazy!

Introducing: Misophonia. Here comes a little bit of factual information, but please bear with me as I fight to prove my sanity to you.

American neuroscientists Pawel and Margaret Jastreboff  coined the term in 1991, and it literally means ‘hatred of sound’. It’s also known as Selective Sound Sensitivity Syndrome (4S) and is a form of decreased sound tolerance that results in extreme reactions. (Sounds about right, hey?) You can go and read more of the details on Wikipedia, but I checked every single box. So it must exist.

The interesting part is that it’s not a problem with the hearing pathways in the brain – it’s actually an abnormally strong reaction of the limbic (or emotional) system and the autonomic nervous system (body control system). And reactions are involuntary – that’s the part that I enjoy the most. That’s the part that means I’m not crazy! Or – I am crazy but I can’t do anything about it! There’s even a support group.

So I’ve decided to raise awareness about the condition. And the first way to do that is to get a celebrity on board. You know how Parkinson’s has Michael J Fox? Well, apparently we have Kelly Ripa. Now we just have to get out there, get noticed and have some people work hard to cure our disorder – for the safety of all our loved ones!

There we go - let the saving begin!

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Occupational Hazards

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Have you ever found, when you watch a movie about a cop or a spy or a superhero that you feel slightly jealous of all the excitement in their lives? But then you console yourself with the fact that at least with your everyday job – your life is completely safe from evil, dangerous forces.

Because we all have super menial, safe, normal, boring jobs that don’t come with any risks, right?

I disagree! Don’t we all have some occupational hazards in our jobs? Some might be physical like getting hurt working heavy machinery, while other could be psychological like becoming a little bit crazy from working in the psych ward. For secretaries it’s sexual harassment. For wrestlers it’s a broken neck. For musicians it’s drinking and drugs. You get the idea.

My occupational hazard is – I’m a Grammar Nazi! 

I found the best description of my condition so far on Uncyclopedia: “Grammar Nazis are people (or cats) which use their freakishly and/or annoyingly powerful understanding of and compliance with grammar and spelling to attempt to “correct” others, usually the blissfully-oblivious-to-the-outside-world members and users of the Internets, who only understand the grammatically genocidal text-speak.”

Yep. That’s me. I just can’t help myself. And it doesn’t help that I’m surrounded by bad grammar and spelling everywhere I go! Luckily most of my friends and family have all learned to accept it and love me for me (those that really matter anyway) – and try really, really hard to suppress their annoyance when I correct them.

But I think what bothers them the most, is that I’m constantly pointing out mistakes everywhere, not necessarily their mistakes. If we’re in a grocery shop and the signs on the walls have mistakes in them – I point it out and lament the death of the English language! When we’re in a restaurant and I see mistakes in their menu, I point out how much I hope their food makes up for their bad language.  

I’d like to think that I’m quite polite about it all though. I found this handy guide on how to be a Grammar Nazi , and I’m doing quite well so far.

Just to explain where my realisation came from – I randomly felt the need to defend my behaviour to a friend the other day. I’m guessing it’s because deep down I feel guilty and/or mean when I’m always correcting people. I must admit that once in a while people make me giggle and I might mildly tease them – but that only happens with those closest to me that I truly love.

So anyway, I realised that this person has strange little habits that come with his job too. He’s in the lighting industry, and everywhere we go – EVERYWHERE – he has a good look at the lights and makes a very knowledgeable comment about it. I’m sure that the comments are really interesting (and sometimes even I find them interesting) and he really knows his stuff.

And that gave me the idea that just like that’s one of his little occupational hazards – my Grammar Nazi behaviour is one of mine.

Just a side note – it’s not always a hazard either. It actually comes in handy sometimes.

Friends can always check their spelling with me if they’re unsure at all. Of course – I’m not perfect either, which is why I have Dictionary.com saved as a bookmark on my phone!

PS – try to guess how many times I read over this post to make sure I didn’t make any grammatical errors. * Holding thumbs *

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DYS-functional

Your father comes home drunk, has a loud screaming match with your mother that wakes everyone up, and then he gets into a fight with your brother who tried to get in the middle.

OR

Your father packs up and leaves one day when you get home from school because he caught your mother with the pool boy.

OR MAYBE

Your sister goes into a drug-induced rage and stabs you in the leg with a carving knife.

Okay, so maybe your family issues aren’t as dramatic as these, but we’ve all got them. That friend of yours, the one with the perfect parents, and the best siblings in the world – yes, even she has family issues. We all think that we’re the only ones, or that ours are worse than everyone else’s.

Take a moment to reflect on your family for a minute. Maybe you see hints of the Addams Family, the family in Weeds, or the Sopranos. Which dysfunctional family of TV do you think bears the closest resemblance to yours?

My little rant here was inspired by the empty hole that was left in my life when the first season of Shameless ended. The Gallagher family takes dysfunctional to a whole new level. The mom left, the dad is in a constant drunken stupor and the eldest daughter Fiona is left to cope with the five kids – Philip the genius who’s tutoring a neighbourhood girl in return for sex, Ian who’s gay, Debbie who’s an adult in a child’s body, Carl who’s on the road to becoming a sociopath and Liam, the black toddler. 

The Fabulous Gallagher family

I do this with any TV show or movie that I watch or even any book I read – I become a part of the whole story. I somehow develop some sort of investment in the lives of the characters. I’m rooting for the bad boy who seems to have a good heart. I’m backing the poor misunderstood girl. So when Shameless came to an end – it felt like the family next door, who had become like my own family over the past 10 years, just up and moved away.

Is it because it’s just such a good show – or because they must be one of the most dysfunctional – yet realistically so – families I’ve seen on TV? It wasn’t that difficult to imagine life in the Gallagher family.

I got to thinking about why dysfunctional families on TV are so entertaining. And I came to the conclusion that it must be because they make us all feel better about the small ways in which our families are dysfunctional. Compared to the crazy insane, coke-whore-for-a-mother, Mafia-boss-for-a-father, serial-killer-for-a-son shows we have on TV, our families seem like the Brady Brunch.

I’ve been hooked on a lot of shows with dysfunctional families – Six Feet Under, Weeds, The Simpsons and Arrested Development. I could go on forever. And of course there have been some movies too – The Royal Tenenbaums and most especially, by far my favourite, made me cry and laugh like a little baby: Little Miss Sunshine.

And now I wait (not so) patiently for the second season of Shameless.

TV – putting the function back in dysfunction since the first season of Dallas and Dynasty. 

 

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I wanna rock!

I don’t mind driving. I don’t even mind sitting in mild traffic every day – and not so mild traffic every other day. All thanks to my car radio. But then I was forced to go without my car radio for about two weeks when it was stolen. (GASP!)

So while I was driving in utter silence with just my random thoughts and that creepy guy in the car next to me to keep me company, I got to thinking about different radio stations.

I came to the realisation that apart from my chosen breakfast show, with Gareth Cliff, I usually just frantically flip through stations looking for the one that’s playing a bearable (or hopefully bop-along-to-the-beat) song at that exact moment. I can listen to Gareth’s conversations in the morning, because they’re interesting and he actually has something meaningful to add. And he has frequent musical intermissions.

But then you get those DJs who talk on forever and ever (to themselves essentially), about something that doesn’t really interest anyone. And you can just hear how much they love the sound of their own voice! And that, quite sadly, includes most DJs out in the world.

I read a profound status on Facebook the other day, “Listen to DJs who love music more than they love the sound of their own voice.” I agree with that. I would just add a part in there about listening to DJs who have valuable insights to pass on to you.

Then, while in silent traffic one day, I tried to imagine my perfect kind of radio station and I immediately thought of pirate stations. They’re illicit, fun and meaningful – you feel like you’re part of something big just by listening to them. We all have an inner rebel-child just waiting for the right opportunity to show face, right?

I guess there are different types of pirate stations, but when I think pirate radio station, I think of the movie “The Boat that Rocked” and I get this burning desire to be part of something like that. “Radio Rock” with its crew of quirky DJs captured my heart. As they broadcast from a ship floating in the international waters of the North Sea, the British government on their trail, trying to shut them down. And of course they’re in the 1960’s, so they’re playing the kind of music I enjoy thanks to my dad’s collection of tapes he recorded from an old record player.

On air. Off shore. Out of control.

That’s the kind of station I want to listen to.

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Those unspeakably fun topics

Since we were talking about Google being a God last time. I got to thinking about the tendency to shy away from speaking about religion.

Do you believe there is a God? Are you Christian, Muslim, Hindu, Buddhist?

How about politics – are you liberal or conservative in your political beliefs. Capitalist? Socialist? Nihilist? Dictator?

How do you feel about sex? Do you watch porn? What kind? Do you fantasise? Do you think masturbation is evil?

I’m sorry if these questions make you uncomfortable. I mean to say, I’m not sorry for asking them, I’m sorry you aren’t relaxed and free enough to be comfortable with the questions.

I enjoy exploring new ways of thinking about the world. When I meet new people I like to get into their heads and hear their opinions about topics that are actually interesting. That means that inevitably the conversation will head towards the three most dreaded topics of conversation – sex, religion and politics.

Sex – too indecent
Religion – too controversial
Politics – too heated

What is left to talk about when all the prudes out there tell you these topics are off limits? – Nothing truly interesting if you ask me.

Want to know what my taboo topics are?

Diets
The latest diet that you’re trying out in a desperate attempt to drop your Christmas (sure) pounds and all the intricate details of it. I do my thing, I jog, I try to eat as healthy as I can – I really don’t need you making me feel bad about the cupcake I had for breakfast.

Your ex
Yes. You guys broke up. Get over it. I don’t mind talking to you about your ex when it’s still a fresh wound – I understand that you need to deal through the issues. I’ll be your shoulder. But if it’s months after the break up and your ex has moved on – I’m over it.

Boring gossip
If anyone ever says they don’t enjoy the odd tidbit of exciting gossip, they’re lying. But I don’t want to hear any gossip about your uncle’s, cousin’s, girlfriend’s sister. I don’t care.

Money
Oh, wow, you earn so much money! I automatically have so much respect for anything that comes out of your mouth – including your ignorant opinions that display just how vain you are. (I think this will be my sarcasm font from now on.)

I’m sure if I had the time I could come up with quite a list. But my point is this – why make all the interesting topics taboo? And leave us with this boring dribble to put up with?




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Is Google a God?

Google is definitely an all powerful and infinite entity that I have much faith in. It’s been my saving grace many a time. I’m that person who would whip out Google on my phone to settle any argument. And those days of being bothered for days by my inability to remember something are gone. Along with the days of wondering who that actor in that movie is (I’m sure I know that guy!)

I don’t just love Google either, I love all the weird sites that are in any way related to Google. There’s my personal favourite, and then there’s the one that appeals to my green consciousness. Of course I love looking at all the cool Doodles and I treat myself to the odd sightseeing.

Would I take it as far as comparing Google to a God? I’m not so sure…

The Church of Google, however, is actually an existing organisation. They believe that, “Google is the closest humankind has ever come to directly experiencing an actual God”. Go and check out their site and their “nine proofs” that Google is divine, http://www.thechurchofgoogle.org/, and decide for yourself.

I’m not sure how serious “Googlism” really is. I truly hope it’s as tongue-in-cheek as I’m reading it.

But I also hope the people that actually believe Google is making us stupid are not serious, or perhaps they're just stupid?

Let’s think about this for a second.

Before Google existed, we had to go to the library and actually read books. (Gasp!) From there we would contemplate what we were reading and come up with our own associations and ideas.

These days, we’re bombarded with so much information, and it’s so easy to come by, I have to ask – do we really retain any substantial information? Or do we just end up having some vague ideas about a whole lot of interesting opinions and bits of knowledge?

Richard Foreman coined the term “pancake people”. Basically, with all of this knowledge at our fingertips, we risk stretching ourselves so thin as we try to connect with the vast network of information.

And how do I know that? I Googled it of course!

People have been chasing up ghosts every time new technology comes along. When the printing press came along in the 15^th century, people had the same fears. Hieronimo Squarciafico thought that the easy availability of books would make people intellectually lazy and weaken their minds (Thanks again Google.)

If you ask me – and like Google I enjoy giving answers – there will always be people who become intellectually lazy anyway, no matter how easy or difficult information is to come by. The availability of information just makes my life easier, and makes it easier for me to be a know-it-all. 

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